Hey Katrina Tea,

Yeah I’m talking to you. You’re fucking up and you want to know how I know? Because it takes a post like this to catch your damn attention.

Are you still reading? I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re not. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you never even started.

You wanna know why? Well well, isn’t that grand. You actually give a shit. 

You’re a fucking hypocrite. And you say you want it straight. You say no one’s here to give you that tough love. That slap in the face.

Well here it is. This what you want?

You’re not the only one with problems. But you’re too caught up in your own world to notice. You’re too busy moaning and bitching and saying that no one loves you. That no one wants to put in the same effort that you put into them. That they all just leave you.

Have you taken a look in the mirror?

Look yourself in the eye and say that you haven’t taken people who love you for granted.

Look yourself in the eye and tell yourself that people who love you haven’t given you a second, third, fourth chance.

I’m not talking about girls who you think you need to be happy. I’m not talking about these girls who you think you need to find love in.

I’m talking about the people who will always care for you. Who will always love you no matter how many times you make them feel like shit.

The people who YOU don’t give your perspective to.

The people who YOU leave after they’ve invested so much time in you.

The people who YOU refuse the effort, the attention, the LOVE that THEY put in.

Take a look at yourself in that mirror, and tell yourself that you’ve never done that.

Could you do it?

How about you look me in the damn eyes and you tell me that you’ve never done that.

Can you do it?

You want to be happy. You want to be loved.

You’ll never find sky if you’re always looking at the ground.

So many people love you but you don’t give a shit about their love. You want love from somewhere else. Some other source.

Well you’re fucking up.

Because that’s not what you need.

Take a look at what you have.

I must be crazy.

To stick with you after all of this.

You must think I’m insane.

Emotionally unstable.

And maybe I am. But it doesn’t mean what I say isn’t what I mean.

I mean every. Single. Word.

You say when I speak, people listen. Well are you listening?

Because I don’t give a damn if the whole world tunes me out. The only person that I want to hear this is you.

I will never stop loving you. And you know what’s so shitty about that? No matter how you hurt me. No matter how emotionally draining it is. No matter how many times I just want to run away, it doesn’t matter how far away I get. The second you need me, I’ll come right back. It doesn’t fucking matter how angry I am at you, how depressed I am, the second you need me, I will be right there.

But it’s not enough for you.

That unconditional love.

I love every part of you. From the good, to the bad. Every flaw, every mistake, every insecurity, I love every fiber of your being. I love you in a way that I feel like I’ve known you my whole life. In a way that I want to protect you. A way that I know will only ever hurt me.

But it’s okay.

I’ll love you regardless.

Because I know you’re amazing. I know you’ll be someone great. I know that one day you will find that person who will love you the way that you love them. And I know you don’t have that right now and it pains you. And I understand. I understand your pain. I understand your sorrow. I understand that empty feeling you get. I understand that feeling of thinking there’s something wrong with you. And I understand.

I understand why you want to isolate yourself. But at the same time you don’t want to be alone. I understand why you’re so caught up in your own world that you become oblivious to everyone else around you. I understand why you don’t always realize that other people are going through pain. And I understand why you don’t see that the people who love you need you. And I understand why you don’t see how badly I miss you. Why you don’t think about how things have changed between you and I. And I understand why you might not even feel this distance that I feel every day, every time I hear your name.

And I understand. I understand. I understand.

And no matter how mad I am. No matter how angry I am at you. It never lasts.

It never lasts.

The anger never lasts.

Because I can’t blame you.

Because I understand.

And the anger.

Never lasts.

The only thing that lasts.

Is love.

is still a lie.

You start to realize that most everything is temporary. The places you love to go to. The moments you share. The people that mean the most to you.

It’s hard when you’re the type of person who becomes attached so easily.

It’s funny because people tell you they’ll always be there. They say that they’re there to listen and that they’ll always look out for you. People say that they want you to know they care. But sometimes, when you reach out, they tell you to be independent. That only you can fix yourself. Or to brush it off. Don’t worry about it now. Think about it later.

Why do people do this? Why do we do this?

Do we really show we care? Do we really care?

Or is it just temporary?

of not knowing whether your efforts will be worth it.

Actually. It’s not even that. It’s more about being afraid that you’ll seem like a fool. That you were compassionate and your compassion was used as a tool to continue all that you were trying to stop.

You become the one with nothing to hold onto.
The one who was ridiculous enough to believe.
The one to be pitied.

So why go through with it?

Because the possibility of making a difference in someone’s life is more important.

Even if that someone, doesn’t care about you.

You say you don’t know
You can’t make up your mind
Too many thoughts in your head
The answer you can’t find
You just can’t choose
You don’t know what’s right
How will you know?
How will you decide?

But that’s a lie.

You know in your heart
What it is you want
But you can’t get your brain
To cooperate.
Too many variables
Too much to lose
If you choose

So what do you choose?
You say you don’t know.
You can’t decide
You don’t know which way to go

But even that ain’t true
Cause you already made your choice
Every day you don’t say ‘yes’
You’ve already said ‘no’

Ain’t about making a choice
You make that choice every day
It’s a no and you know
That’s what it’s been
All these days.
Question is,
Tomorrow?
Will it be the same?

is sometimes not what you expect.

I had a good talk with my brother today. I told him a lot more than I planned to, but I realized he has a lot of insight. He shared a few things with me, what he’s dealt with, what he’s learned. It was worth listening to. And I’m grateful that he chose to share it with me.